


White Rosebuds

by sarangx



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Sleepy Cuddles, chan is best dad, im sorry changbin, theres a happy ending tho i swear
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-11
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2019-03-11 02:40:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13514994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sarangx/pseuds/sarangx
Summary: white rose: innocent and pure loverosebud: beauty; a heart innocent of loveChangbin supposed coughing up white, premature roses probably wasn’t normal.





	White Rosebuds

**Author's Note:**

> warnings:  
> —cussing  
> —implication of self harm  
> —mental health issues  
> —heavy themes
> 
> please continue on if you feel comfortable. ♡

They were pretty, the little things: they were soft, velvety, and they almost seemed to glow. Their petals were still compacted together, keeping the flower from opening up completely. But they were still oddly mesmerizing. The green sepal was delicate and stood a stark contrast against the white. It was hard for Changbin not to like them.

Maybe if he had found them in a garden or some kind of botanical supermarket he’d appreciate them more. But instead, they were floating daintily in the water of the dorm’s toilet bowl. They were relatively small, those rosebuds, but they had come from his _throat._ So Changbin wondered how that was even humanly possible.

He didn’t give it much more thought, though, as the loud crash in the kitchen reminded him he wasn’t the only one in the dorm. Quickly, he spared the flowers one last glance before flushing. They were swept away in a whirl of white and green, disappearing in an instant, almost like they hadn’t been there in the first place.

 

 

Changbin wasn’t dumb. At least, he didn’t credit himself to be. Dense, perhaps, but not _dumb._ But he supposed that although coughing up white, premature roses wasn’t normal, he still kept it to himself. They never fully bloomed, anyway, so what was the problem?

The problem was that he had to constantly flush away pretty white petals and he had to face it alone. He had to face the likes of stupid, emotionless buds that glistened with toilet water before being spiraled down the drain in a whirl of bubbles and torn leaves. It didn’t help that they worsened his mood whenever he’d think about a certain Australian.

The feeling of light tickling in his throat spiked whenever his thoughts would wander to Felix. His brown eyes, his wide grin and fluffy hair. . .they seemed to trigger the flowers within him. But he didn’t spot the connection as soon as he should’ve. It was odd to cough up plants, but it was even stranger to cough up plants because of a crush. A stupid, stupid crush.

It was a bother, really, because Changbin couldn’t cuddle with Felix for long due to the rise of rosebuds. Their stems seemed to be longer in his throat than when they actually came out, because he could swear he could feel the roots of the flowers tickling his ribs from inside his abdomen.

But he could get through it. He had to.

 

 

Changbin was fucked up and he knew it. He seemed to have an affinity for diseases and disorders, if this stupid flower thing was anything to go by. He was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at age five, and Major Depressive Disorder at age twelve. That among his weak immune system, several vitamin deficiencies, and some terrible overthinking problems were just some of his health problems. Really, he couldn’t bring himself to be surprised when flowers started sprouting from his throat.

He took medication for everything except his disorders thanks to his parents. They didn’t believe in mental illness and held the strong belief that it was a scam to earn money. (Changbin digressed.) So Changbin was left to endure his disorders on his own, with only intrusive thoughts and scars littering his shoulders.

He wasn’t quite sure how he had managed to get into Stray Kids, much less JYP Entertainment; he was a handful. His history of medical conditions were reserved for only the knowledge of JYP—no one else knew of them, not even the members. He wanted to keep it that way.

He especially didn’t want Felix to know. Because then he knew that pretty smile would fade and the sparkle in his eyes would die and the warmth of his body would grow cold. Maybe Changbin was selfish. He didn’t care, though—he had made it this far on his own, he didn’t need to tell the others of his deformities. It was irrelevant, unimportant. They’d be best kept under the floorboards next to his heart.

 

 

Chan, unsurprisingly, was the first to see that something was wrong. It was just a matter of time, really, before someone caught onto Changbin’s stiff behavior. He was too quiet, too shifty, too _not-around-Felix_. He prided himself on being pretty decent at hiding his emotions, but with something as big as his mental status, it was difficult to keep it to himself; his body gave subtle hints without his consent. He didn’t realize it until Chan had come up to him on a lazy Sunday while everyone else had either gone their separate ways or had slept in.

”What’s going on with you and Felix?” He had asked, eyes stern as though he were in the practice room criticizing the members.

Changbin wished that his problem was as simple as some sort of relationship issue. He wished that some miscommunication or misinterpretation led to their distance. But that wasn’t the case. It was bigger than Changbin, himself, and he doubted anyone would accept him with so many disorders. The risk was too high.

”We just got into some stupid fight,” Changbin had decided on saying, eyes trying to lock with Chan’s but his gaze was so intense he quickly dropped them to the floor.

”If it was so stupid, why haven’t you made up yet?” When the other didn’t answer, Chan continued. “Felix just looks confused and sad. _All the time._  You guys used to be inseparable, and now you say a ‘stupid fight’ is the reason you guys aren’t close anymore?”

Changbin shut his eyes tight and bit his lip at the thought of making Felix sad. His Felix, his precious, shining Felix. The one who traveled all the way from Australia to chase his dream and the one whose smile lit up not just the room, but an entire nation. The one whose voice resonated in the marrow of Changbin’s bones, and the one who caused white rosebuds to burst through his lips.

There it was: the tickling in his throat, the foreign growth in his chest.

”Look at me, Seo Changbin.” Chan’s voice was cold, _so cold_ , and his tone cut through the tension like a dagger.

Even if there weren’t rosebuds clogging his lungs, Changbin didn’t know what he’d say anyway. There was nothing to excuse his behavior and Chan knew it.

Changbin wheezed, suddenly going into an uncontrolled coughing fit. He stepped away from the leader, choking on petals as the flowers squeezed past his lips to escape his throat. In the back of his head, he could hear himself panicking over the fact he wasn’t alone, but this was one of the worst episodes yet.

”Changbin? Yah, Changbin-ah?” Chan’s voice had lost its edge, and now only concern and surprise colored his voice as he watched his dongsaeng and friend practically writhe in pain. He was about to reach for him when he suddenly froze when he saw white petals fluttering from Changbin’s mouth. “Changbin-ah?”

The younger finally pulled his hand away with a tired sigh, clutching rosebuds in his fist and wiping tears from his eyes with his other hand. Small twigs laid amongst the enclosed flowers in his palm. He inhaled deeply, his lumgs aching from lack of air. He turned to Chan, no anger or sadness on his face—only defeat. He tossed the flowers to Chan’s feet, shoulders slumped under a weight bigger than himself.

”I’ve been preoccupied with some stuff,” Changbin said hoarsely.

”You have Hanahaki?” Chan stuttered out after a few moments had passed. His eyes didn’t leave the crown of Changbin’s bowed head.

”Yeah.”

”And you didn’t tell us?”

”Yeah.”

Chan suddenly enveloped Changbin in a hug. It caught the latter off-guard, his eyes going wide and body freezing from the unexpected contact. Chan only squeezed him tighter.

”I’m so sorry.”

Slowly, Changbin went lax. His head fell onto the older’s shoulder and he wrapped his arms around Chan’s neck. A weight seemed to have lifted off of his chest. He shut his eyes and snuggled a bit closer.

”It’s been hard, hasn’t it? Struggling with such a disease. . .”

Changbin nodded, tears coming to his eyes as he erased anymore room between him and the leader. He released a small sob, hiding his face completely in Chan’s neck. His entire body trembled and suddenly he didn’t feel so cold.

”You’ve been working hard, haven’t you, Changbinnie?” Chan continued to say, quietly rubbing the hairs of the younger’s nape. “You’ve been keeping this to yourself and have tried to distance yourself from us. You’ve been carrying this on your own, haven’t you? Wah.”

Changbin nodded agan, tears coming faster as he allowed himself to be coddled. He had never felt so small. He found himself stumbling over his words as he confessed.

”I-I just l-love Felix so much and—“ he sobbed, “—it’s so _hard_. I can’t- I can’t love him be-because of so many reasons but I just—“ he couldn’t continue, his voice straining due to the lump in his throat and the wails threatening to squeeze past.

”I know, Changbinnie, I know,” Chan murmured soothingly, hugging the younger closer to him (if that was even possible) and rocking them back and forth slightly. “But you need to face him, you know. You need to come clean.”

Changbin didn’t answer, instead staining the other’s shirt dark with tears.

 

 

Instead of Changbin facing Felix, it was the other way around.

In hindsight, Changbin should’ve expected it. In the process of trying to understand himself, he had forgotten that he had hurt Felix, too. He had forgotten that Felix was perceptive when he wanted to be and that he was sensitive. So when the Australian cornered him in his studio when they were alone, he hadn’t been expecting it.

”You’ve been avoiding me,” Felix said simply. His brown eyes weren’t bright and they didn’t twinkle. A frown had settled on his face. Changbin felt his blood run cold when he saw the hurt in Felix’s eyes. “Why? Why have you been avoiding me, hyung?”

_You occupy my thoughts every day. Your existence brightens my world so much I’m not sure how I could’ve ever lived in a world without you. Your smile glows every single time I see it, and your eyes are like worlds that I can’t ever possibly hope to understand. Your voice rings in my head every night and it reminds me of thunder rumbling in the summer. Your touch sparks wildfires and every time I’m with you, it feels like home. I am undoubtedly, unbelievably in love with you—and that scares me._

_“_ I’m sorry,” is what Changbin ends up saying. He doesn’t meet Felix’s eyes. He feels the foreigner step closer, and the scent of cologne and spice and _home_ fills his senses. He breaks. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for not trusting you, and I’m sorry for distancing myself from you, and I’m sorry for making you sad, and I’m sorry for disappointing you, and I’m sorry for being a mess, and most of all, I’m sorry for loving you. I am so, _so_ sorry, Felix-ah.” He’s covering his face as he sobs brokenly, tears rushing past his eyes as his body shakes. He hates that the simple scent of Felix broke him down so easily.

There’s a bit of silence before Felix hesitantly reaches out for Changbin’s wrists. The sleeves hang down to reveal scars scattered along his flesh, and the younger feels a pang of sadness. He gently takes away Changbin’s cover, his own fingers tapping a calm rhythm to ease Changbin’s shaking a bit.

”Hey.” His voice is soft, deep. “It’s okay. Can you look at me, hyung?”

Changbin’s eyes reluctantly flutter open. His head is bowed, but he still tries to look at Felix through his wet lashes. Tracks of tears paint his cheeks. Felix wipes them away gently, as though Changbin were a porcelain doll that would break under his touch. He keeps his palms surrounding Changbin’s face.

”You didn’t need to apologize so much, okay? Some of that stuff you didn’t even need to apologize for.”

Changbin shook his head in disagreement, eyes dropping to he ground.

”Hey, hey, look at me.” Felix tilted the older’s chin up with a finger. “You’ve been keeping to yourself for too long, hyung. Let me show you why it’s okay for you to love me.”

Gently, Felix reached forward and touched Changbin’s lips with his own. It was soft, chaste, and there was no hurry in the kiss. Only warmth sprouted from the touch, tendrils of sunlight spreading throughout both of the boys’ bodies. When Felix pulled away to grant himself air, Changbin involuntarily chased his lips before stopping and blushing heavily. Felix gave a small chuckle and a quick peck.

”Do you believe me now, Changbin-hyung?” When he nodded, Felix added, “Let me take care of you now. You deserve a break, hyung.”

Before Changbin could question him, Felix peppered his face with soft pecks and gentle nibbles. He kissed the scars along his wrists, his touch flitting from scar to scar and causing goosebumps to erupt in his wake. He didn’t go farther than that, instead going back up to Changbin’s face and kissing away the tears that had started to flow again.

”You’ve worked hard, baby.” His voice was tinged with a bit of pride and sadness once he said it, his fingers running through Changbin’s hair as he cradled the older’s smaller body close to his chest. He refused to stop touching him, and it seemed like Changbin was enjoying it—he was practically leaning into the touches, eyes shut and body pliant.

Felix eventually stopped with the spontaneous touching. They had moved to the couch—Changbin said he was too sleepy for the five-minute walk to the dorm—and were cuddling instead. Changbin had calmed down and seemed to be dozing off when Felix spoke up.

”You’re okay now, right?” He was playing with the other rapper’s hands, thumb tracing along the faded scars.

”I will be,” he murmured, glazed eyes opening for less than a second to look at Felix before closing again.

With Felix by his side, he was sure he could conquer his mental illnesses.


End file.
